Being bullied because you’re different

I’m not sure there’s anyone who hasn’t been bullied at some time in their life. It’s horrid. Many of us have been the bully who’s been unkind to others because we didn’t understand that being different is part of being human. Yet the bullying cycle continues.being bullied for being unique

Where do bullies hang out?

Bullies are part of our everyday existence unfortunately. They are everywhere. For some people they don’t feel able to get away from them.

They’re at school, at home, in the workplace, in the sports team, in the parents group, in the social group, in the religious community. They are everywhere, even where we least expect it. But they are part of our lives so we need to learn that being different is actually what we’re meant to be. It’s those who try to mould us into their image who are different from the rest of us.

I was bullied for being different

At primary school I was bullied for being different. In my village I was bullied for being different.

I lived in a village 3 miles from school and I was driven there every day. There were only two families who travelled from my village, (in fact we lived in the same road), to this school. Everyone else got the bus from the top of the road to the other local primary school. So I was different in every place I wanted to fit in.

My parents chose the primary school for all the right reasons. They loved me and wanted the best for me and my brother. Yet their choice made us stick out like a sore thumb. I didn’t fit in anywhere.

We went to church 7 miles away. Our lives were connected from my young childhood with communities further away from my local community. I felt different everywhere, yet I knew I was loved.

Trying to fit in

When all you want to do is fit in and be the same as everyone else, as a young child you do everything you can to make yourself the same. Yet you never can. You’ll always be different. You’ll always be unique.

When I went to secondary school it was easier as I was with a group of girls who I think all felt different in their own way. We had all passed the 11+ and all travelled miles to go to school each day. We were together in our uniqueness and own brilliance. Yet we still all tried to fit in with “the crowd” we most identified with.

When you try and fit in with a crowd you often try and hide part of your unique self. You may start listening to music that those in the group you want to be with listen to, even though it’s not your favourite. You may start watching a particular TV programme or youtube channel because others in that group do and you want to be able to talk about with them. Or, you may stop doing something you love because you believe this is what’s stopping you from fitting in.

Growing up is unique to each of us

Whilst we all develop through the same stages of life, with body changes, hormone changes and learning life skills and social skills, we’ll all do this at different times. When I had my children I was given a “red book” to chart their development, mainly their weight to start with, and I was led to believe they had to follow a particular curve or they’d be classed as freaks.

Needless to say, as a breastfeeding mother, when I learnt that the tables used were based on formula fed babies I stopped attending baby clinic as my babies would never follow the ‘pattern’ as set out in the book. They were unique and I knew and understood their health and development better than anyone. [I’m sure someone will take me to task on this as I know not everyone is aware of their baby’s or child’s health or development. That may be a conversation for another day.]

So now as a mother of two healthy, happy teenage sons, having watched them discover their uniqueness and watching them trying to fit in to all sorts of groups, I understand even more that growing up is totally unique for each and every one of us.

Each of us have different parents, with different values, come from different cultures with different family traditions, and are all told different things by those closest to us. If our parents have different values to each other that can cause difficulties within the home environment. We may feel drawn to one perspective more than the other, or spend more time and be influenced by one carer in our life more than others. That will shape us.

Yet we’re still unique and different.

Being listened to helps you be yourself

If you are in an environment where you’re listened to, and allowed to be yourself and share your ideas, you’ll become more comfortable with your uniqueness at an early age. That doesn’t mean you’ll not try and fit in with those you want to hang out with! It usually means you’re happier in your own skin than some you spend time with.

Yet what can you do if you’re not being listened to? If you’re not valued at home or in the place where you spend a lot of time? It can be hard, especially as a child or teenager who feels like this. Yet you deserve to be listened to. You need to be listened to, so that you can discover who you really are without judgement. You can decide who you want to hang out with and what your own values are.

Many schools now have pastoral teams who you can talk to and share what’s on your mind. It doesn’t mean you’ve got a mental health issue. It just means you need a place to talk and allow yourself to hear your own words. You don’t have to be bullied to use this service.

You may have friends or a grandparent or aunt/uncle who you trust and respect who you can talk to, without them judging you and what you have to say. They love you and care for you for who you are. Your unique self.

If neither of these are an option for you, there may be a listening service in your area. Some schools are setting up listening services so you can simply talk about whatever you want, in confidence. They aren’t for fixing you, as you don’t need fixing, you’re perfect as you are. But these services recognise that not everyone has a trusted person to share things with.

If there’s no listening service in your area, we recommend Young Minds or Kooth.

You are wonderful as your unique self. You are different, but that’s what makes you so amazing. I hope it doesn’t take you as long to realise that it’s OK to be you and not hide any aspect of your brilliance.

If you want to rediscover your brilliance that you’ve been hiding from, book an explore call & let’s forget the bullies. They’re not worth our energy anymore.

 

 

Being a performance parent helps us become performance people

“ As long as you keep going you’ll keep getting better. And as you get better, you gain more confidence. That in itself is success ” Tamara Taylor

keep going you'll keep getting betterWe had a lovely weekend with our boys, doing their sporty stuff this weekend. Eldest was at his athletics camp with similar talented athletes from across Britain, being helped and supported to develop his talents for long term success.

Youngest was trying out for Triathlon: To become part of a group of young people who compete in the Super Series across Britain, for the most talented triathletes of their age.

It was fascinating. Both sports ran sessions for “performance parents”, helping us to help our children maintain balance between sport and academic success. Talking about “Long term athlete development”, and it’s not about winning now, but as teenagers, (in these 2 sports), they’re just at the start of opportunities for representing their country, which could continue for many years to come. If they choose to continue to have this as a goal.

Yes both sports approach things differently, but the core messages were the same – building your success starts now. It’s not going to happen overnight. In triathlon they have 4 key values – Focus, Patience, Purpose and Commitment. Their focus is on developing independent learners in the sport, through challenge and discovery. They talked about being fearless in competition, and learning through each opportunity you take in the sport.

Learning through play



There was also a focus on “Training as Play”, where you need to learn to love training. If you don’t love what you do regularly each week, then you’re not going to be successful in the sport. It’ll be too hard for you. The most successful athletes are those who just love what they do. They often don’t think of it as training, even if to us as parents and observers, a 4 hour bike ride over steep hills sounds impossible to achieve!

Within both sessions there was a real sense of exploration. Using this time, with others who want you to succeed, to explore your talents, ideas, and test things out. Make decisions which you can reflect on and learn from. Make decisions to explore further, to challenge yourself and see what you love, or are capable of. There’s no failure in trying. In fact, if you don’t try, you fail to improve.

My 15 year old, the would be triathlete, didn’t end up where he wanted to be, by 4 places out of 144 starters. Yes he was disappointed, but he tried his best. He had a brilliant weekend, and learnt lots. In fact, it’s spurred him on even more to set new goals for the summer season. He’s clear what he wants to achieve, exploring this new sport he’s loving. He’s just at the start of his discovery phase, and we’re delighted that he wants to learn more and improve and enjoy this sport. 

We may be biased, but we’ll get to go to some new places around the country with them both this year. We’ll all be exploring together, learning to love what we all do, and helping them to explore their talents and options for development, with our support.

What are you exploring next?

So as you start a new quarter of the year, what are you exploring and working towards? Who’s in your support team as you develop your ideas, bring something new to market, or reach out to new customers? Are you loving what you’re doing so it comes as natural to you as eating and drinking every day does? Do you feel safe to explore new options and opportunities as they come up?

The Business Cheerleading Club is a safe place to explore options, and be supported to grow and develop yourself and your ideas. This month we’ve got the brilliant Nick Haines leading the expert workshop on Procrastination, and there’s the usual 90 minute group coaching call. There’s space for you to explore with us, learning to take ownership of your business and the decisions you make, so you can grow your business.

What are you excited about this next quarter? I’d love to hear your plans. Leave a comment below.

I’ve been editing my book, “Passion is not enough“, which is due out later this month. That’s my excitement 🙂

Containing excitement is bad for your health

We all get giddy with excitement sometimes don’t we, and it’s sometimes hard to contain that excitement. It’s especially hard containing excitement if we’re doing something in secret, or trying something out before telling anyone. Yes, are you with me on this?

Well, I seem to be surrounded by people at the moment who are containing their excitement about one thing or another:

  • I’ve got a client who has gone underground to work on some new ideas for her business which she’s so excited about she can’t even talk about it
  • My youngest son is going to do his first cyclocross event on Saturday, and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about an event in my life”
  • Another client has launched their website today, KCJ Gifts, and they’ve been  finding it hard to contain their excitement all week
  • Some of my online friends are sharing their excitement about their upcoming activities and events

It’s all very exciting to be around 🙂

Should we ever contain excitement?

Use your excited energy to spread happinessWe sometimes try and stop our children getting over excited about Father Christmas coming, or their birthday party. But why do we do this? Being excited is a fabulous energy to have, and to share that with others, shares happy times more widely.

Whenever we hold something in, it takes energy too. You’ll hear people talk about ‘letting go’ of fear or anger, as by holding this negative energy in, you’re making things worse. So, if we hold our excited energy in ourselves, and don’t let it out as we feel we should be doing, we’re doing ourselves a disservice too. All that energy we should be sharing, and riding on for our life right now, we’re stopping ourselves moving forward.

Sometimes we stop others from being over excited as we may have people within our close network who are having a difficult time, and we’re concerned that the excitement will exacerbate their hardship. Why? Surely, they’ll be excited for us too? Excitement and happiness is infectious, so we’re preventing someone else from moving forward too.

I love the way that some of the training sessions I’ve been on recently have told us to dance, or sing, to get into “high energy”, and therefore high excitement, before the session, or before the task we’re supposed to be doing. It’s fab! It is energising and it brings a smile to your face. It also brings out the best in you and your work. Try it, put on your favourite dance tune and dance to it before you do your next task. And don’t even try to stop yourself from smiling! 🙂

So, whilst it’s lovely that we are concerned for others feelings, they really do want the best for you. Don’t contain your excitement. Even if you can’t share the details with others about what you’re working on, please do share your excitement with others, and see the ripple effect it has on those around you.

What are you excited about at the moment? Let’s share your happiness and excitement too 🙂

 

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Who listens to young people

Whilst it’s lovely to hear how schools, colleges and universities are supporting our young people, does this really address what support young people would choose for themselves? Are young people really being listened to? Do we as parents always listen well?

who can your children talk to to get things off their chest. ListenI had a fascinating chat today with an organisation looking to set up a Listening service in schools, as it’s “what the schools are asking for”. Personally, I think that listening services are needed in all communities, as not everyone has someone they can off-load to, or talk to, about what’s on their mind. You know that when you “get something off your chest” you feel better, but not everyone has the opportunity to tell someone else. This can build up over time, until a crisis happens, or, quite often, it affects a person’s mental health.

It got me thinking though. I trust our teachers and education experts. I trust youth workers, and researchers. However, if a listening service, (or something similar) is set up in a school, will the young people want to use it, and just because leadership teams think it’s a good idea, is this the type of support young people want in school?

Schools and colleges have a whole raft of support systems and services, both in school and from external partners to support young people. I personally know some counsellors who work in schools. There are learning mentors. There’s youth workers. Careers advisers, achievement specialists, and whole raft of other support available. Is a listening service really needed?

From the outside, and looking at this logically, to me, listening allows the young person to use that listening ‘space’ to talk about anything they want. A lot of the other services are quite focused and may be looking helping the young person move from x to y.

But do young people understand what ‘listening’ is? Have many of our children experienced really good listening, so would say, “yes! I would benefit from that!”. Or, is this a service that may sound good when we’re discussing it, but when we put it into practice it may not be quite what’s needed? Have we got a lot of educating to do with young people, (and parents and teachers), for this to really benefit them in the way we know it helps adults who access listening services?

I can see it from all sides. But I’m not a young person, so I can’t see it from their point of view.

What’s your view? What support do young people want? Is having someone to listen to them (or to talk to about anything they like), a good idea?

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The greatest gift you can give your child

supporting your talented childI’m not always a facebook fan, but today they reminded me of this photo I’d taken 2 years ago at the TIPS programme, which is part of the School Games.

My eldest son is a talented athlete, and is currently training to be a Decathlete (athletics track and field – remember Daley Thompson? Or you’ve probably heard of Jess Ennis-Hill? Women do 7 events, and men do 10 events). Two years ago he was selected by his county to take part in the Talent Inspiration Programme, as part of the national School Games event.

As part of the 3 day event, parents were invited to attend a workshop, led by Olympian Miriam Luke, who is also now a Mum of 2. She was fabulous, and helped us understand what the young people had been discovering during their time on the programme – namely, that school work is more important than sport, and even though they may be top achievers in their teens, not many young people will go on and be top achievers in that sport in their adult life. [Obviously all sports are different, with elite gymasts being a lot younger, but you get the idea]. She herself didn’t take up her sport until University.

At the time, I took it all in, and as a family we learnt a lot, and have continued to maintain a balanced life and outlook on life.

Today it struck me, as a lot of children return to school, that these principles should be what all parents should be striving for anyway, isn’t it? Why are parents of other children, who aren’t labelled gifted and talented,  not given this same advice on how to best help our young people? Surely, if we re-wrote this as,

The greatest gift you can give your child is to give them your support, help them take responsibility, keep their life in balance and support their success.

The greatest gift you can give your child

The greatest gift you can give your childWould anyone argue with having a balanced life?

Would anyone argue with helping our young people take responsibility?

Is there anytime we wouldn’t celebrate their success?

I don’t think so. I think this should be a mantra for all parents to take on at the start of this new school year.

Is this the greatest gift you can give to your child?

Thank you Grandad

GrandadWe’ve recently said goodbye to my Father in Law, Edward Hughes. A wonderful man in so many ways. He’s been poorly for a long time, and whilst 82 isn’t a grand age, it’s certainly one which has been filled with many wonderful things for him. He had no regrets, apart from not being able to see his grandsons grow up even more.

I helped the boys create this poem, which the youngest one read at the Thanksgiving service, which summed up their memories and what they wanted to say to Grandad. It’s wonderful it’s a Thank You isn’t it? I’m so proud of them, and felt this may help others create their own words when saying goodbye to loved ones.

We will always have our wonderful memories,

of your loving, encouraging ways.

We’ll never forget our time together

and the games we used to play.

 

We had so much fun in the caravan

sneaking treats when Grannie didn’t know.

Our time together was always special.

We may not have always told you so.

 

We loved learning from, and helping you

peeling vegetables and gardening.

But watching us grow up, we know,

has been one of your favourite things.

 

You’re always so kind and reassuring

to friends and family alike.

You were generous with your time and money.

We thank you for our new bikes.

 

You’ve shown us how to love life

and how family is so important.

We’ll miss your wise words,

your smile, and your singing of the French national anthem.

 

You’ve shared your love of sport with us

and some of your talent too.

We’ve no idea where it’ll take us in life

We’ll try our best in everything we do.

 

We know it was time for you to leave us

as life became hard in so many ways.

You are still there cheering us on

And we can still talk to you everyday.

 

Whilst we will miss you here with us

you’ll be making the most of your new place

Making people laugh and creating mischief

Putting smiles on everyone’s face.

 

Thank you Grandad.

by Ben and Jack Hughes

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