When you just can’t stop crying
I’ve been stunned by my reactions tonight. I’m sat here with damp, ok, wet, eyes, having been crying. I’ve tried to stop, but the harder I try, the more I cry. I haven’t cried in ages, so why now?
I’m tired I guess. I had a very late night with friends last night, but a very enjoyable evening was had by all. I’ve been doing accounts all afternoon. I got soaked watching no.2 in his u7 football match this morning. And I’m only just warming up! But that’s not the real reason.
The waterworks started when I was writing all the instructions for my friends who are coming away in 2 weeks time to celebrate my 40th birthday. No, I’m not upset that I’m 40. It’s just another birthday to me. Yes, it’s a ‘big one’, but so what? I’m just using it as an excuse to get friends together in one place at the same time to share food and party games and have a great time together. I want all our families to meet each other again – some people haven’t met since our wedding 13 years ago! A lot has happened since then!
No, it’s because I’m missing my Mum. I haven’t missed her this much for months. If she was on this earth now, she’d have been planning and plotting surprises for me. Not expensive things, but she’d be making me a handmade card, she’d be searching the shops for a present suitable for her daughter’s 40th birthday – a memorable occasion. If she’d have been visiting the party (which I’m sure would have happened), she’d have brought ‘things’ – nibbles, drinks that no-one ever usually drinks; party games & little things for the children. She’d have had such fun in planning these treats as she got great pleasure from sharing and giving.
So why am I crying? I have no idea! Am I trying to think of all the things she would have done and replicate them? No, I can’t afford it. I also don’t need to – the 10 families who will be there are all bringing things to share. My best friends are helping me plan and organise it (I had told OH what I wanted 4 years ago, but I’m still organising it myself!), and it’s going to be lovely. But I just MISS HER. I wish she was here so I could share my weekend with her. I wish I could get a text from her or hear her speak again wishing me “Happy birthday”.
Even though I know she’s with me in spirit, I guess it takes big occasions in your life to make you realise just how much you miss someone.
I love you and miss you Mum, and these tears are all for you, and the love and laughter that you shared unconditionally.